Last night when I learned about the passing of Robin Williams, I felt like my world had been turned upside down. Like everyone else, I am sure, I saw a Facebook post here and there and immediately thought it was another internet death hoax so I just moved on and didn't think about it again. Then about an hour later I logged back online and saw post after post after post from online friends and news sources (like ABC and E!) and my heart went into my throat.
He was so open about the issues that he struggled with from substance abuse to severe depression. I myself have been diagnosed with severe depression since the age of 14. My first real suicide attempt was in February of 2009. The reason I say "real" attempt as opposed to just attempt is because that one in 2009 was what put me in a psychiatric ward for the first time in my life. Yes, I had been in and out of therapy but never before had I experienced the world of the "Mental Institution". Since 2009 I have been in and out of a few hospitals, rehabs etc. I also battled with substance abuse (prescription medications) so when I heard about Robin Williams my first thought was (and maybe this is a selfish thought, I don't know) "My God, if Mental Illness got him, what chance do I have to survive it??"
All day today I have been a little "out of it" so to speak. I couldn't turn on the TV, only listened to music and did my crocheting. I was too scared that the movie channels would play his movies and it would trigger more thoughts in my mind. I just wasn't ready to face it yet. There have been SO many times in my life when I was down and struggling to find a way to laugh. Somehow I would come across one of his movies and KNOW it would bring laughter into my darkness. Whether it is The Birdcage, Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, or Night at the Museum I KNEW a smile would cross my lips and joy would fill my heart and mind. We were so blessed to have him entertain us for all of these years.
Every day of my life I have an internal battle. Every day I wake up and it's is a struggle. But, each day it does get a smidge easier. Just a smidge but I think even a tiny little bit in the right direction is better than going in the opposite direction. Granted, there are days when stress and aggravation and outside elements do cause me to go in the other direction with my mind but as long as I don't STAY pointed in that opposite direction when I lay my head down at night, I think that is the reason I am still here today.
Who knows how long we have on this earth. Anything, on any day, could take us out. An accident can happen, terrorists can hit again, a robbery in a store, or even mental illness can overtake someone and end their life. What matters is today, and "today" is all we have every single day.
Please make sure that "today" is the day you cherish and that will lead you into your tomorrow.
